Chloe Gets Vulnerable

Let’s see if I can get through this without throwing my laptop down a well (my neighbors actually have a well, so this really is an option for me. I dunno how deep it is, but this would be a good way to find out, right?). I’m not sure how I want to start this. I know what I want to talk about, but how do I dive into it. Well, I guess let’s just say I’m going to be talking about gender. *jazz hands* There, that should work.

So. Hi. I’m nervous, if you couldn’t pick that up already. But, I posted this on all my other social media accounts, and I feel like it’s right to include my blog on it. So. I’m working towards top surgery, but it’s expensive, so I set up a GoFundMe (more on that later). I showed it to my therapist, because she’s been helping me with the whole process, and she said she wishes I was more vulnerable in my explanation. I agreed that it did seem very cut and dry, but I couldn’t see myself updating it reflect more emotion there. But, I felt like I could expose a bit of my heart here.

I’ve talked about my gender here and there, I think in regards to trans books I’ve loved and my hatred towards JKR. But, this is truly my feelings about gender, in regards to myself and nothing else.

What label feels most comfortable to me right now is genderfluid. Sometimes I feel more feminine, sometimes I feel more masculine, and sometimes I feel like a mixture of the two. I’ve also started to feel more comfortable claiming the term trans. It’s hard to feel like I’m not faking, or not just making it up, especially when I feel more feminine. But, I know I’m not cis. And these terms feel comfortable for me.

Gender might be a relatively new experience to me. I started questioning maybe about 2ish years ago. But, I’ve wanted my boobs gone since I was 9. The age I developed. They’ve always been a source of discomfort for me, even before I found out about gender identity and even before I started questioning. Honestly, I’ve always wanted them gone. My hatred for them is a so large that it’s hard to put into words. I’ve always been befuddled as to why people seem so unbothered by them when I’m so constantly aware of them. I desperately want them gone, and it’s really been a lifelong dream for them to be gone. And I’m trying to work towards making that happen.

The total cost is $10,800. I put the GoFundMe goal at $10,000 because I have some money saved up.

2020 has been an absolute major trashfire all around, so there are ZERO expectations from me. Even if you just clicked on this post, and read this long, you have my eternal gratitude.

I guess including a link would be helpful: https://www.gofundme.com/f/chloes-top-surgery

Well, I’m going to be scheduling this post to go up (cause I don’t know if my courage will hold to hit publish), so I think my laptop might be safe from the well! So yeah, thank you for reading.